Jay Culter is a Bitch or A Distorted Reality Is Now A Necessity To Be Free

Professional athletes are a rare breed. They are super humans that dwell among us due to their sheer physical talent. They are the culmination of Herbert Spencer's Principles of Biology (1864) when he first coined the notion of "survival of the fittest." Professional athletes exist to compete and attain the title of champion. They could be evidence of Nietzsche's Ubermensch - the super man alive in our culture. Many disagree pointing out the childishness of games, American footballs offensive linemen, certain baseball players and hockey as evidence of sports meaninglessness in an enlightened society, but athletes have been the elite in society since ancient Greece. Sports is not only a part of our culture, but part of the foundation. There is nothing that crosses all barriers and creates more modern myth then sport.

Today's professional athletes are often compared to actors, actresses or anyone under 25 as vapid, selfish, shortsighted and dumb. While some professional athletes may share some of those qualities their lives couldn't be more different. The majority of (young) actors are seeking fame because a need to be desired. A need to be the center of attention. The need to be someone else. Some actors take classes to hone their craft and some survive on looks alone. They have been looking for coddlers their entire life. Professional athletes are coddled from as early as 10! They go from big man on campus to bigger man on bigger campus to multi-millionaire in the blink of an eye. But that brief second that eye is closed no one see the countless hours of hard work and incredible amounts of punishment to the body, not to mention the lessons and eventual degree you receive in being the hope of a small group of people, the love of many and dealing with an increasingly rabid media. To say it is a hard job, is an understatement and as the spotlight grows we put a larger microscope lens on every aspect of someone who has dedicated their life to winning, often without considering their degree of commitment to their craft.

With that said; JAY CUTLER IS A BITCH. He is the whiniest of wimps that comes across as a trust fund baby who couldn't borrow daddy's Benz for the weekend. The current Denver Broncos quarterback got pissy when he found out his current employer was considering a trade and picking up another (cough..better) quarterback. He said he thought his employer and new coach were being disrespectful. The Broncos fired back with a curt "yeah, so." Basically saying that is within in their rights to do these things for the betterment of the team. This is true and something most businesss do often; looking for fresh blood and cutting off the dead vines, to mix a metaphor. Cutler could have taken a chance to be a gentleman about the situation. He could have distinguished himself from his image as an arrogant punk to the class of the league evidencing his place among the greats. No. That's not Jay Cutler. He is more suited to be a snooty family member of the namesake of his college. He is more apt to compare himself to one of the greatest quarterback ever (more on him later) and then lose his way to an early vacation. Jay Cutler is a bitch*.

The Vanderbilt Commodores record with Jay Cutler as a starting quarterback 2004 & 2005
7 - 16. That's under 50% for his final two years as a college starter. His stats? FANTASTIC. he breaks records in passing yardage and attempts. He finishes his four year career with over 8,000 yards passing and his TD's doubling his INT's including 17 rushing touchdowns. Heisman consideration is a definite, but he is a loser.

Cutler sits behind Jake "The Snake" Plummer the 2006 season becoming the full time starter in 2007. He finishes 12th overall in his position with an 81% quarterback raking falling behind such luminaries as Tom Brady, Peyton Manning, Ben Roethlisburger, um, David Garrard, Matt Hasselbeck and Kurt Warner. In 2008 he finishes 16th with a 86% quarterback ranking, now falling behind journeyman like Matt Schaub and Seneca Wallace. The Denver Broncos combined record for 2007 & 2008 15 - 17. Again, that is under 50% for a two year starter.

So this bitch, Jay Cutler, is complaining because he is not a winner? While his stats have been consistent and improved he has never won anything for a college or professional team. He has no right to call out management for seeking the best option for the team. Last week he had a bad meeting with the new coach Josh McDaniels and didn't report to another one. It was reported that he wanted to be traded. This of course made my anger grow to Incredible Hulk type heights.

I need to come clean about a couple of things. I am a "Power to the People" kind of guy. I am all for getting your money, sticking it to the man and understand that eggs must be broken for an omlette to be delicious. I rarely side with "the people upstairs" because frankly, they are the ones who got us into this damn mess in the first place, but that's another story. Secondly, I hate the Denver Broncos. I hate everything about them. I hate their uniforms, their goddamn (band of) horses, the mile high salute, the orange crush, Terrell Davis, Tom Jackson and of course his mile-highness John Elway. I despise going to Denver because even as many years after his retirement you cannot enter the city without his visage hovering over you. It's like he built the fucking place; they forgot about the whole history of Colorado like the fact Jack Kerouac lived their for some time and The Fray are from there and all that prospecting bullshit. I hate the Denver Broncos so much that if I was driving in Denver and I saw the Barrel Guy I would not hesitate to hit him with my car and keep going. Yes I understand all the legal ramifications, but if life has taught me anything it's that my hate trumps the law.

Here is what I fail to understand, or will never understand due to my unbridled abhorrence of the Denver Broncos - how is anyone of Cutler's side of this? Last year when he stuck his Avias in his mouth by saying that he had a stronger arm than Big Brother John Elway; critics and fans let him off the hook saying he was a gamer and that it showed where he wanted to be as a starting quarterback in the N F L. Since he latest temper tantrum I do not see how you could cheer for the guy when he has demonstrated himself as a floppy haired arrogant crybaby. He is not the first, but the guys who are like him are on the streets as actors. You can say what you want about Terrel Owens, but he wins whereever he goes. Jay Cutler has not won in Denver under a stable owner who is liked throughout the entire league. He has seen the demise of one "genius" (and might I say, probably still over tanned, but well-rested) coach and has met his match in a younger coach who follows a strict no "I" in "Team" policy. Oh yeah, this coach studied under a Super Bowl winner and a football genius who didn't ascribe the title to himself in Bill Belichick. When is comes down to it, Jay Cutler has revealed himself to be a Queen Bitch, but not in a Bowie way, trying to whine himself to a better situation. Something most of us learned early would not get you far.

Even if your not a Denver fan or a sports fan in general would you answer this "Want Ad?"

"Team Leading Quarterback with huge sense of entitlement, hot head available now for a competitive price. Generally puts self above others and matches his deluded sense of grandeur with a bitchy temperament."

It seems like Cutler is part of the problem not part of the solution. Pray that he doesn't come to your town and Broncos fans pray that he receives his comeuppance.

In what typifies the Jay Cutler experience you must watch this superb South Park Episode from two years ago. Fast Forward to 5:50 - 6:10 for the goodness, but the entire oeuvre is great.

~all stats gleaned through espn.com who probably paid someone else to get them~

*I would like to clarify that I do not mean "bitch" in a stereotypical rapper, misogynistic way. I mean it in the literal whiny female dog that alienates those around it with it's insufferable behavior kind of way. And if you're a son of a bitch? Whoa. I would never offend Mrs. Cutler in that way.

Also, some may point out that I did not reference his Diabetes or the show that was made out of his diagnosis, etc. There are plenty of people with jobs as equally as demanding physically as Cutler who get by everyday with less money. It does not denigrate his bitch status.

Finally, Lance Armstrong is the most boring human being ever. Please go away and take your bike with you.

Who Watches The Watchmen?

Last week the world was in awe when it was revealed that the current Pope (Benedict XVI) predicted the world's current (shitty) financial turmoil in 1985.  An Italian Finance minister breathlessly called the soon to be pope/ex Nazi supporter's paper a "prophecy." Prophecy is defined as  "something that is declared by a prophet, especially a divinely inspired prediction, instruction or exhortation." The great revelation, that you can read here, is as follows "The future pope said a decline in ethics 'can actually cause the laws of the market to collapse.'" If you walk outside and see a man standing in the street without pants then you will know that he read the Pope's prediction. Holy shit.  I can't believe I am still typing knowing that in 1985 a future Pope said that ethics violations can cause markets to collapse?!?!  The bits of brain are trickling over the keys and I cannot speak to what follows cause my mind has been blown.

5 Other Predictions from The Pope's 1985 Prophecy Paper

-shoddy construction leads faulty buildings

-mexican food leads to diarrhea

-bad parenting leads to bad children

-the right foot leads the left foot follows

-tight rolled jeans will lead to boot cut jeans

5 Omissions from the Pope's 1985 Prophecy Paper

- I will be Pope, no seriously, I will.

-Live Aid will suck as will the 20 anniversary Live Aid in 2005.

-Have you guys played the Nintendo? Cos I have and it's sweet.

-Tommy Hilfiger, while inspired by classic NE fashion, is awfully gaudy.

-Everyone will drive a Ford Taurus.

I don't have a problem with predictions.  I make callous, ill informed and usually wrong predictions weekly (thanks football).   Numerous talking hot air balloons are already lining up to tell us what will be hot or not and what the big stories will be next year.  I do have a problem when a generally accepted commonality is ordained as "divine." The word heresy has been thrown out for lesser transgressions.  Where are the checks and balances? Where was the Catholic bishop, cardinal or robin to say "You know what, this really isn't a prophecy or a prediction..." This is a man who represents Catholicism's Dali Lama. He is supposed to be so close to God that we kiss his hands in his presence. Seriously.  This is the shit you come up with?  Come over to my house.  I have a folder on how the world is going to end.  Not when, just how.  It says more then your piddly paper ever could and it's just photo copies of articles and a picture of an airplane dropping bombs.  

The bible says, roughly, that you should not pluck the speck from your brother's eye when you have a plank exuding from your own. This is absolutely true in this instance, but I wouldn't call that piece of divine scripture a prophecy.  You see, I let this happen.  I read it. I listen to it. I am outraged by it, but I am powerless to stop it.  The Pope is placed high on a pedestal by an adoring following who believe he can do no wrong.  He is a man.  If you want to prophesize something give me specifics! If you can't give me specifics, at least be interesting when you are vague - like Nostradamus.  Again, I make bullshit statements like this all of the time, but I lack the following and the outlet the Pope has, so I come off as crazy, paranoid and just annoying.  Kanye West has a similar following as The Pope.  Kanye would be much more entertaining if he just made good music and didn't try to win asshole of the year all of the time.  

You won.  We get it.  

This past Sunday at the American Music Awards, Kanye proclaimed that music is so great right now because of artists like himself (of course) and others were pushing the limits of great music and when people talk about where the next Led Zepplin is or where the next Elvis is "they right here!" he said with much authority on the subject.  He then goes on to compare coldplay, Chris Brown and Alicia Keys to some of the greatest musical artists ever and then says he wants to be Elvis.  He then stares at the crowd as if saying "Oh shit! Can you believe I just dropped that science on your head....tonight....at the...um....where am I?......AMA's....word!"  Are all of those people he mentioned talented? Yes.  Are they in any of the same categories as who he compared them to?  No. Of course not.  Depending upon your view of time, what Mr. West spoke about is in the past.  The world doesn't need another Elvis or another Led Zepplin. They need something new and better.  They sure as hell don't need Colplay ruining a perfectly good evening.  I tend to agree with Public Enemy "Elvis was a hero to most, but he never meant shit to me."  These predictions and pronouncements, the prophecies and promises should produce more then head bobbing and passive agreement.  They should leave my mind dripping on the keyboard and they should move me to action.  Or at least an action other then sending Chris Martin hate mail.  These minor voices using major platforms will disappear.  Kanye will fall off as all rappers eventually do.  This Pope will be succeeded by another one. But my mind is trying to combat their haze of bologna that will continue to build, corrupt and dupe others out there who believe the truth is as simple as opening your mouth.  It is, but you have to know what to say. 

The Final Countdown to the Collison Between Us and the Damned

selected Quotes from George Orwell's 1984

"Nearly all children nowadays were horrible. What was worst of all was that by means of such organizations as the Spies they were systematically turned into ungovernable little savages, and yet this produced in them no tendency whatever to rebel against the discipline of the Party. On the contrary, they adored the Party and everything connected with it… All their ferocity was turned outwards, against the enemies of the State, against foreigners, traitors, saboteurs, thought-criminals. It was almost normal for people over thirty to be frightened of their own children."

"The very word 'war', therefore, has become misleading. It would probably be accurate to say that by becoming continuous war has ceased to exist. ... War is Peace."


"Until they become conscious they will never rebel, and until after they have rebelled they cannot become conscious."

Welcome to the Apocolypse or greetings from the new company couch.

His arm crossed my chest. The words still spewing from my mouth flecked with spittle and vinegar. My high school basketball team, less than thirty minutes before, had lost a hard fought basketball game to some punks from Life Christian Bethany Bros Lutheran School. This adolescent troglodyte had been trash talking the whole game and had the gall to trash talk on his way out the gym AFTER the game was over. Our Gym. The Wolverine Den. I was going to tear him from stem to sternum. That's when Jim Cole intervened. Surely saving me from an ass kicking that would have plunged me deeper into my budding angst; Mr. Cole soothed the savage (see also, big talking) beast The last phrase that came from my lips were "I hate him." Jim responded with "Hey, that's a four letter word." Dumbfounded, I began thinking of all the other four letter words that surely would have set fire to the pseudo chapel that was the gym at my christian school. Yet, Hate was the strongest and hate is what I kept coming back to.

The power that comes from words has greatly diminished since the inception of our language. When did it become acceptable to love everything from ice cream to shoes? Some ears may burn at "curse" words, but I grew accustom to the most vile thing you can imagine crossing the lips of a 8 year old. Hate conjures up despicable acts through the ages, but my hate is sterile yet justified and some what common among my demographic.

What I hate today...."Working but not working"
I have made a career out of working but not working, but in my current situation karma has reared its ugly head. I got laid off by my company almost two weeks ago. It was shocking, but not a complete surprise. It is a small family run business and it is boring and an exercise in patience to work for them. Last week was supposed to be my first week of "not working." I was looking forward to napping, staying up to watch The Daily Show, taking walks and enjoying a bit of living while the birds worked. But NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, since my company said I can collect commission on anything I sell I was working to close a deal to make some scratch so I can pay my rent this month. Also I remembered I live in Oregon and it's fall and the weather kind of sucks. So I spent my first week of unemployment working but not getting paid. Yet another cruel joke by on me by the universe. Ha. Ha. Ha.