Tuesday, September 15, 2009
The best thing to happen to me...today (more or less).
The day started like so many others. Rolling out of bed and wondering "why?" "why?" so many things. I carefully re-enacted my routine: read interwebs, make smoothie, look for jobs, go to gym, eat lunch from garden bounty, ... The only for sure I have on my daily schedule is to watch Pardon The Interruption. It is the barometer for my day and how I measure time. The clock blinked 2:20p as I stepped outside for a (occasional cigarette [clove]). The sun was bright and my constant second guessing led to theorizing as to where I had put my sunglasses down. I winced hello to some walkers as the sun blinded me like Saul. I saw my 80+ year old neighbor across the street starting to pull n her large blue recycling bin. I said "hello" in my hollow neighborly way. She started shuffling traversing the street in her shoes that were a cross between crocs and nike shoxs. she said " do you mind if i smoke with you? i smoke." "of course!" I obliged out of being a southern gentlemen and neighborly. it was 2:25p and i had barely spoken as myself. my voice, when heard, was little more then a sales pitch for someone and some place I wasn't sure I knew. Francis sat on my porch and lit a singular cigarette from a pack of Pall Mall's. We began to talk about bureaucracy, community, cancer, the economy, travel and music. Ah, music. The sweet uniter of all. The transfer of emotion in one of the most scarily profound and easiest way to communicate. Her daughter sings the blues. Her grandson plays the drums. She likes everything but "that rap" and shrieking. She looks at me with a cocked head when I pause at her "rap/shrieking" comment. Surely she has heard the sounds wafting from my door. Surely she has heard the waling and sonic cacophony drifting across the 30ft concrete boundary between our homes. As she waits for my pause to evaporate I tell her that in my humble opinion there has been a disconnect. She says music should have range and I agree; even if that range is between what only dogs (and teens) can hear and whales imagine. We say our goodbyes after she offers me another Pall Mall and I offer to help her and Fred (her husband) with anything. I walked inside 20 minutes late for PTI, but thankfully for Comcast's mastering of the time space continum; I miss nothing. And that brief moment of human interaction highlights a seemingly mundane and wheel spinning day where nothing I say, create, watch or theorize can compare to. Tonight I skate patrol, by myself, around the community, the bureaucracy, the cancer, the economy, the travellers and most importantly the music. I realize that all that I am is all I am supposed to be and the kindness and nic fits of one old lady gave that to me today.
Monday, June 8, 2009
A Recipe to Wash Away the Morning Blues. (Literally)
I have been on a diet for almost four months now. I shouldn't really call it a diet as it truly is a healthy way of eating and probably the way I should have been eating for the past 8 years. Essentially all of the stuff that I love was cut out of my diet. No more breads or sugars; only lite cheeses and no carb/sugar rich veggies (potatoes, carrots, corn). While I do find time to enjoy a burrito wrapped inside a pizza deep fried in buffalo sauce and the smothered in ranch it's just not as frequent. This change has allowed me to become more creative in the kitchen. I have experimented with so many seasonings and marinades from horny goat weed, butt rubs, cumin and tarter to cloves, curry, and herbs de provence. While dinner is always fun and exciting, breakfast is always a challenge. Without breads and potatoes breakfast can get kind of bland. I have a recipe for a killer smoothie recipe that is guaranteed to give your morning a boost in a completely healthy way. Feel free to replace or add ingredients to your discretion. I use a Magic Bullet which I believe is God's gift to bullets and magic. You daily household boring blender is an acceptable substitute, but it is neither magic nor bullet shaped.
Instruction
1/4 c fat free yogurt
1/4 c Odwalla pure Orange Juice
1/3 c V-8 High Fiber
1 peeled and sliced kiwi
4 sliced strawberries
1/2 handful blueberries
Squirt a quarter lemon on top followed by three dashes of Tapitio Hot Sauce as you say "(1) Ole (2) for (3) Today!" then sprinkle about a pinch of mescaline the size of a bear paw on top. Close off with chopping blades then blend to desired consistency. You will be on your way walking on clouds with purpose and meaning to an otherwise dreary day. During hot summer days use frozen fruit to make a delicious icy treat and use acid to feel as if you are melting.
Post your favorite healthy recipes below and bon appetite!
Instruction
1/4 c fat free yogurt
1/4 c Odwalla pure Orange Juice
1/3 c V-8 High Fiber
1 peeled and sliced kiwi
4 sliced strawberries
1/2 handful blueberries
Squirt a quarter lemon on top followed by three dashes of Tapitio Hot Sauce as you say "(1) Ole (2) for (3) Today!" then sprinkle about a pinch of mescaline the size of a bear paw on top. Close off with chopping blades then blend to desired consistency. You will be on your way walking on clouds with purpose and meaning to an otherwise dreary day. During hot summer days use frozen fruit to make a delicious icy treat and use acid to feel as if you are melting.
Post your favorite healthy recipes below and bon appetite!
Friday, May 8, 2009
Young Liars
In 1978 William Joseph Martin Joel was working on a song. He had the melody, but he couldn't get the lyrics to the chorus just right. What ended up being one of my most oft quoted lyrics started out as "Sodomy, such a lonely word." I guess that rings true for some more then others, but the final recorded version hit the nail on the head
"Honesty, such a lonely word
Everyone is so untrue
Honesty, is hardly ever heard
And mostly what I need from you."
Released in 1979 "Honesty" continued Billy Joel's climb to the top of the pop charts and those words ring even more true today.
Lying is so ingrained in our culture that it is not so easy to recognize. In fact by the time you are reading this you have already told or continued a version of a lie at least 15 times*. Western Culture has made lying an art form. From preachers to politicians to professors - institutions are built on lying. We even take the opportunity to laugh at some of the greatest lies ever. Cheating the Indians out of land with cheap trinkets, the John F Kennedy Assassination, the Vietnam War, "I did not have sexual relations with that woman." We have taken lying to such great heights that it could be argued the only truth that exists is the one you create.
During the lead up to the Iraq War partisan lines were crossed and everyone (save for 21 democrats, 1 republican and 1 independant) voted that we take action against Iraq. Colin Powell Donald Rumsfield, George W Bush and Dick Cheney convinced all of us that Saddam Hussein was a threat and had control of Weapons of Mass Destruction. I watched Colin Powell testify before a committee and swear that there were WMD's in Iraq. Was this a lie? No. This was a collective group deciding what the truth is. We bought in to it and now your children will pay for it dearly. It happens more often then you think.
Of course we couldn't tell that they were lying. They used a mix of mature techniques, including playing on our great fears of another 9/11 (the republicans still use this tactic today). These men were professionals, but the one great chink in their armor was our 43rd President, Mr. George Walker Bush. GDubs, unfortunately, was a Tier 1 liar. The majority of people in the world are Tier 1 liars. Poker players would describe them as having easy "tells." They give themselves away. When George would get flustered he would blink like a traffic light on a Sunday. There is no way that man ever won a staring contest; maybe it was all the cocaine? He was also easily flustered and prone to verbal gaffes. This is not someone you want on your team when you are trying to fleece the American people and the world at large. Tier 1's are shifty, avoid making eye contact, ring their hands, lick their lips, blink, etc. Everyone knows what a Tier 1 liar looks like. The old guard were great liars and so far beyond Bush that they had reached Lying Valhalla, which is when your lies become the truth.
There is a great breadth and level of lies between Valhalla and Tier 1. The most disconcerting is how often and how easy it is to make it to Tier 2. So here are three ways to recognize a bad Tier 2 liar.
1) Unfortunate/Spectacular Events - Bad liars that want to make it to Tier 2 are easily tripped up by their creations. Enigmas, extraordinary events, amazing happenings, unexplained phenomena do not happen in most peoples daily lives. These usually point to a lie, an excuse and an easy way out. They show a bad liar because it is generally hard for the public to accept that they (the lie) happened. See "the dog ate my homework" and "Alien Encounters."
2) Dates/Places - Much like the above, when lies become big and you want them to be true you have to make sure you keep your story straight. Dates and places tripped you up in history class and they will only give your lies more holes then a cheese cloth. If you tell one person that X event happened on this day and when you speak to another person forget your lie, then you have fallen victim to the date/place conundrum and your jig is up.
3) Half Truths - This may be the laziest attempt of a Tier 2 wannabe. The belief by telling half of what is true will make it easier for you is ludicrous and Bush league. The information you leave out is just sitting around somewhere waiting to be found. It must either be destroyed or you need to give your lying skills a workout.
"If everyone lies and creates their own truths, what can we do to stop it?" I am so glad my fingers typed that question! In a proverb probably most famous from Bugs Bunny or some other cartoon character "If you can't beat, them join them." You must embrace the liar within you and become the king of liars. Fight fire with fire. You may be surprised how far you have come already without even knowing it. Here are three steps to becoming a better liar.
1) Get your story straight! - The opposite of #1 & #2 above; getting your story straight is pertinent to every word that comes out of your mouth. You did it for speech class, now you have to do it with a lie - practice, practice, practice. Practice in the mirror, practice on your cat, practice on strangers at the grocery store. Repeating the same story over and over again not only makes your lie bulletproof, it ensures you will have memorized places, dates and removed any superfluous occurrences. The adage "the devil is in the details" has never been more true.
2) Don't Be the sole carrier of information! - An integral part of passing off a lie is telling others and letting them go into the world telling all nations. This way the story only originated from your mouth and like the great stories of old they are able to grow and grow and grow.
3) Believe your own lie! If you think of something and say it, it doesn't necessarily make it true, BUT if you believe and live what your saying then there is no way it is not true. This is used on lie detectors and in court rooms everyday. Is there a way for the truth to get out? Yes of course there is, but not from your mouth. And, if you spend enough time focusing on your lie and ingrain it so deep into your psyche that you start spreading it to others then it becomes a universal truth and you have made it to Liars Valhalla!
Honesty is a lonely word, and while it may be the best policy it's not going to win you any friends. Isn't becoming a better person one of your great goals in life? Think of all the "good" people who lie to you constantly without you knowing it, because their lies have become true.
*all facts and figures are made up
"Honesty, such a lonely word
Everyone is so untrue
Honesty, is hardly ever heard
And mostly what I need from you."
Released in 1979 "Honesty" continued Billy Joel's climb to the top of the pop charts and those words ring even more true today.
Lying is so ingrained in our culture that it is not so easy to recognize. In fact by the time you are reading this you have already told or continued a version of a lie at least 15 times*. Western Culture has made lying an art form. From preachers to politicians to professors - institutions are built on lying. We even take the opportunity to laugh at some of the greatest lies ever. Cheating the Indians out of land with cheap trinkets, the John F Kennedy Assassination, the Vietnam War, "I did not have sexual relations with that woman." We have taken lying to such great heights that it could be argued the only truth that exists is the one you create.
During the lead up to the Iraq War partisan lines were crossed and everyone (save for 21 democrats, 1 republican and 1 independant) voted that we take action against Iraq. Colin Powell Donald Rumsfield, George W Bush and Dick Cheney convinced all of us that Saddam Hussein was a threat and had control of Weapons of Mass Destruction. I watched Colin Powell testify before a committee and swear that there were WMD's in Iraq. Was this a lie? No. This was a collective group deciding what the truth is. We bought in to it and now your children will pay for it dearly. It happens more often then you think.
Of course we couldn't tell that they were lying. They used a mix of mature techniques, including playing on our great fears of another 9/11 (the republicans still use this tactic today). These men were professionals, but the one great chink in their armor was our 43rd President, Mr. George Walker Bush. GDubs, unfortunately, was a Tier 1 liar. The majority of people in the world are Tier 1 liars. Poker players would describe them as having easy "tells." They give themselves away. When George would get flustered he would blink like a traffic light on a Sunday. There is no way that man ever won a staring contest; maybe it was all the cocaine? He was also easily flustered and prone to verbal gaffes. This is not someone you want on your team when you are trying to fleece the American people and the world at large. Tier 1's are shifty, avoid making eye contact, ring their hands, lick their lips, blink, etc. Everyone knows what a Tier 1 liar looks like. The old guard were great liars and so far beyond Bush that they had reached Lying Valhalla, which is when your lies become the truth.
There is a great breadth and level of lies between Valhalla and Tier 1. The most disconcerting is how often and how easy it is to make it to Tier 2. So here are three ways to recognize a bad Tier 2 liar.
1) Unfortunate/Spectacular Events - Bad liars that want to make it to Tier 2 are easily tripped up by their creations. Enigmas, extraordinary events, amazing happenings, unexplained phenomena do not happen in most peoples daily lives. These usually point to a lie, an excuse and an easy way out. They show a bad liar because it is generally hard for the public to accept that they (the lie) happened. See "the dog ate my homework" and "Alien Encounters."
2) Dates/Places - Much like the above, when lies become big and you want them to be true you have to make sure you keep your story straight. Dates and places tripped you up in history class and they will only give your lies more holes then a cheese cloth. If you tell one person that X event happened on this day and when you speak to another person forget your lie, then you have fallen victim to the date/place conundrum and your jig is up.
3) Half Truths - This may be the laziest attempt of a Tier 2 wannabe. The belief by telling half of what is true will make it easier for you is ludicrous and Bush league. The information you leave out is just sitting around somewhere waiting to be found. It must either be destroyed or you need to give your lying skills a workout.
"If everyone lies and creates their own truths, what can we do to stop it?" I am so glad my fingers typed that question! In a proverb probably most famous from Bugs Bunny or some other cartoon character "If you can't beat, them join them." You must embrace the liar within you and become the king of liars. Fight fire with fire. You may be surprised how far you have come already without even knowing it. Here are three steps to becoming a better liar.
1) Get your story straight! - The opposite of #1 & #2 above; getting your story straight is pertinent to every word that comes out of your mouth. You did it for speech class, now you have to do it with a lie - practice, practice, practice. Practice in the mirror, practice on your cat, practice on strangers at the grocery store. Repeating the same story over and over again not only makes your lie bulletproof, it ensures you will have memorized places, dates and removed any superfluous occurrences. The adage "the devil is in the details" has never been more true.
2) Don't Be the sole carrier of information! - An integral part of passing off a lie is telling others and letting them go into the world telling all nations. This way the story only originated from your mouth and like the great stories of old they are able to grow and grow and grow.
3) Believe your own lie! If you think of something and say it, it doesn't necessarily make it true, BUT if you believe and live what your saying then there is no way it is not true. This is used on lie detectors and in court rooms everyday. Is there a way for the truth to get out? Yes of course there is, but not from your mouth. And, if you spend enough time focusing on your lie and ingrain it so deep into your psyche that you start spreading it to others then it becomes a universal truth and you have made it to Liars Valhalla!
Honesty is a lonely word, and while it may be the best policy it's not going to win you any friends. Isn't becoming a better person one of your great goals in life? Think of all the "good" people who lie to you constantly without you knowing it, because their lies have become true.
*all facts and figures are made up
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Jay Culter is a Bitch or A Distorted Reality Is Now A Necessity To Be Free
Professional athletes are a rare breed. They are super humans that dwell among us due to their sheer physical talent. They are the culmination of Herbert Spencer's Principles of Biology (1864) when he first coined the notion of "survival of the fittest." Professional athletes exist to compete and attain the title of champion. They could be evidence of Nietzsche's Ubermensch - the super man alive in our culture. Many disagree pointing out the childishness of games, American footballs offensive linemen, certain baseball players and hockey as evidence of sports meaninglessness in an enlightened society, but athletes have been the elite in society since ancient Greece. Sports is not only a part of our culture, but part of the foundation. There is nothing that crosses all barriers and creates more modern myth then sport.
Today's professional athletes are often compared to actors, actresses or anyone under 25 as vapid, selfish, shortsighted and dumb. While some professional athletes may share some of those qualities their lives couldn't be more different. The majority of (young) actors are seeking fame because a need to be desired. A need to be the center of attention. The need to be someone else. Some actors take classes to hone their craft and some survive on looks alone. They have been looking for coddlers their entire life. Professional athletes are coddled from as early as 10! They go from big man on campus to bigger man on bigger campus to multi-millionaire in the blink of an eye. But that brief second that eye is closed no one see the countless hours of hard work and incredible amounts of punishment to the body, not to mention the lessons and eventual degree you receive in being the hope of a small group of people, the love of many and dealing with an increasingly rabid media. To say it is a hard job, is an understatement and as the spotlight grows we put a larger microscope lens on every aspect of someone who has dedicated their life to winning, often without considering their degree of commitment to their craft.
With that said; JAY CUTLER IS A BITCH. He is the whiniest of wimps that comes across as a trust fund baby who couldn't borrow daddy's Benz for the weekend. The current Denver Broncos quarterback got pissy when he found out his current employer was considering a trade and picking up another (cough..better) quarterback. He said he thought his employer and new coach were being disrespectful. The Broncos fired back with a curt "yeah, so." Basically saying that is within in their rights to do these things for the betterment of the team. This is true and something most businesss do often; looking for fresh blood and cutting off the dead vines, to mix a metaphor. Cutler could have taken a chance to be a gentleman about the situation. He could have distinguished himself from his image as an arrogant punk to the class of the league evidencing his place among the greats. No. That's not Jay Cutler. He is more suited to be a snooty family member of the namesake of his college. He is more apt to compare himself to one of the greatest quarterback ever (more on him later) and then lose his way to an early vacation. Jay Cutler is a bitch*.
The Vanderbilt Commodores record with Jay Cutler as a starting quarterback 2004 & 2005
7 - 16. That's under 50% for his final two years as a college starter. His stats? FANTASTIC. he breaks records in passing yardage and attempts. He finishes his four year career with over 8,000 yards passing and his TD's doubling his INT's including 17 rushing touchdowns. Heisman consideration is a definite, but he is a loser.
Cutler sits behind Jake "The Snake" Plummer the 2006 season becoming the full time starter in 2007. He finishes 12th overall in his position with an 81% quarterback raking falling behind such luminaries as Tom Brady, Peyton Manning, Ben Roethlisburger, um, David Garrard, Matt Hasselbeck and Kurt Warner. In 2008 he finishes 16th with a 86% quarterback ranking, now falling behind journeyman like Matt Schaub and Seneca Wallace. The Denver Broncos combined record for 2007 & 2008 15 - 17. Again, that is under 50% for a two year starter.
So this bitch, Jay Cutler, is complaining because he is not a winner? While his stats have been consistent and improved he has never won anything for a college or professional team. He has no right to call out management for seeking the best option for the team. Last week he had a bad meeting with the new coach Josh McDaniels and didn't report to another one. It was reported that he wanted to be traded. This of course made my anger grow to Incredible Hulk type heights.
I need to come clean about a couple of things. I am a "Power to the People" kind of guy. I am all for getting your money, sticking it to the man and understand that eggs must be broken for an omlette to be delicious. I rarely side with "the people upstairs" because frankly, they are the ones who got us into this damn mess in the first place, but that's another story. Secondly, I hate the Denver Broncos. I hate everything about them. I hate their uniforms, their goddamn (band of) horses, the mile high salute, the orange crush, Terrell Davis, Tom Jackson and of course his mile-highness John Elway. I despise going to Denver because even as many years after his retirement you cannot enter the city without his visage hovering over you. It's like he built the fucking place; they forgot about the whole history of Colorado like the fact Jack Kerouac lived their for some time and The Fray are from there and all that prospecting bullshit. I hate the Denver Broncos so much that if I was driving in Denver and I saw the Barrel Guy I would not hesitate to hit him with my car and keep going. Yes I understand all the legal ramifications, but if life has taught me anything it's that my hate trumps the law.
Here is what I fail to understand, or will never understand due to my unbridled abhorrence of the Denver Broncos - how is anyone of Cutler's side of this? Last year when he stuck his Avias in his mouth by saying that he had a stronger arm than Big Brother John Elway; critics and fans let him off the hook saying he was a gamer and that it showed where he wanted to be as a starting quarterback in the N F L. Since he latest temper tantrum I do not see how you could cheer for the guy when he has demonstrated himself as a floppy haired arrogant crybaby. He is not the first, but the guys who are like him are on the streets as actors. You can say what you want about Terrel Owens, but he wins whereever he goes. Jay Cutler has not won in Denver under a stable owner who is liked throughout the entire league. He has seen the demise of one "genius" (and might I say, probably still over tanned, but well-rested) coach and has met his match in a younger coach who follows a strict no "I" in "Team" policy. Oh yeah, this coach studied under a Super Bowl winner and a football genius who didn't ascribe the title to himself in Bill Belichick. When is comes down to it, Jay Cutler has revealed himself to be a Queen Bitch, but not in a Bowie way, trying to whine himself to a better situation. Something most of us learned early would not get you far.
Even if your not a Denver fan or a sports fan in general would you answer this "Want Ad?"
"Team Leading Quarterback with huge sense of entitlement, hot head available now for a competitive price. Generally puts self above others and matches his deluded sense of grandeur with a bitchy temperament."
It seems like Cutler is part of the problem not part of the solution. Pray that he doesn't come to your town and Broncos fans pray that he receives his comeuppance.
In what typifies the Jay Cutler experience you must watch this superb South Park Episode from two years ago. Fast Forward to 5:50 - 6:10 for the goodness, but the entire oeuvre is great.
~all stats gleaned through espn.com who probably paid someone else to get them~
*I would like to clarify that I do not mean "bitch" in a stereotypical rapper, misogynistic way. I mean it in the literal whiny female dog that alienates those around it with it's insufferable behavior kind of way. And if you're a son of a bitch? Whoa. I would never offend Mrs. Cutler in that way.
Also, some may point out that I did not reference his Diabetes or the show that was made out of his diagnosis, etc. There are plenty of people with jobs as equally as demanding physically as Cutler who get by everyday with less money. It does not denigrate his bitch status.
Finally, Lance Armstrong is the most boring human being ever. Please go away and take your bike with you.
Today's professional athletes are often compared to actors, actresses or anyone under 25 as vapid, selfish, shortsighted and dumb. While some professional athletes may share some of those qualities their lives couldn't be more different. The majority of (young) actors are seeking fame because a need to be desired. A need to be the center of attention. The need to be someone else. Some actors take classes to hone their craft and some survive on looks alone. They have been looking for coddlers their entire life. Professional athletes are coddled from as early as 10! They go from big man on campus to bigger man on bigger campus to multi-millionaire in the blink of an eye. But that brief second that eye is closed no one see the countless hours of hard work and incredible amounts of punishment to the body, not to mention the lessons and eventual degree you receive in being the hope of a small group of people, the love of many and dealing with an increasingly rabid media. To say it is a hard job, is an understatement and as the spotlight grows we put a larger microscope lens on every aspect of someone who has dedicated their life to winning, often without considering their degree of commitment to their craft.
With that said; JAY CUTLER IS A BITCH. He is the whiniest of wimps that comes across as a trust fund baby who couldn't borrow daddy's Benz for the weekend. The current Denver Broncos quarterback got pissy when he found out his current employer was considering a trade and picking up another (cough..better) quarterback. He said he thought his employer and new coach were being disrespectful. The Broncos fired back with a curt "yeah, so." Basically saying that is within in their rights to do these things for the betterment of the team. This is true and something most businesss do often; looking for fresh blood and cutting off the dead vines, to mix a metaphor. Cutler could have taken a chance to be a gentleman about the situation. He could have distinguished himself from his image as an arrogant punk to the class of the league evidencing his place among the greats. No. That's not Jay Cutler. He is more suited to be a snooty family member of the namesake of his college. He is more apt to compare himself to one of the greatest quarterback ever (more on him later) and then lose his way to an early vacation. Jay Cutler is a bitch*.
The Vanderbilt Commodores record with Jay Cutler as a starting quarterback 2004 & 2005
7 - 16. That's under 50% for his final two years as a college starter. His stats? FANTASTIC. he breaks records in passing yardage and attempts. He finishes his four year career with over 8,000 yards passing and his TD's doubling his INT's including 17 rushing touchdowns. Heisman consideration is a definite, but he is a loser.
Cutler sits behind Jake "The Snake" Plummer the 2006 season becoming the full time starter in 2007. He finishes 12th overall in his position with an 81% quarterback raking falling behind such luminaries as Tom Brady, Peyton Manning, Ben Roethlisburger, um, David Garrard, Matt Hasselbeck and Kurt Warner. In 2008 he finishes 16th with a 86% quarterback ranking, now falling behind journeyman like Matt Schaub and Seneca Wallace. The Denver Broncos combined record for 2007 & 2008 15 - 17. Again, that is under 50% for a two year starter.
So this bitch, Jay Cutler, is complaining because he is not a winner? While his stats have been consistent and improved he has never won anything for a college or professional team. He has no right to call out management for seeking the best option for the team. Last week he had a bad meeting with the new coach Josh McDaniels and didn't report to another one. It was reported that he wanted to be traded. This of course made my anger grow to Incredible Hulk type heights.
I need to come clean about a couple of things. I am a "Power to the People" kind of guy. I am all for getting your money, sticking it to the man and understand that eggs must be broken for an omlette to be delicious. I rarely side with "the people upstairs" because frankly, they are the ones who got us into this damn mess in the first place, but that's another story. Secondly, I hate the Denver Broncos. I hate everything about them. I hate their uniforms, their goddamn (band of) horses, the mile high salute, the orange crush, Terrell Davis, Tom Jackson and of course his mile-highness John Elway. I despise going to Denver because even as many years after his retirement you cannot enter the city without his visage hovering over you. It's like he built the fucking place; they forgot about the whole history of Colorado like the fact Jack Kerouac lived their for some time and The Fray are from there and all that prospecting bullshit. I hate the Denver Broncos so much that if I was driving in Denver and I saw the Barrel Guy I would not hesitate to hit him with my car and keep going. Yes I understand all the legal ramifications, but if life has taught me anything it's that my hate trumps the law.
Here is what I fail to understand, or will never understand due to my unbridled abhorrence of the Denver Broncos - how is anyone of Cutler's side of this? Last year when he stuck his Avias in his mouth by saying that he had a stronger arm than Big Brother John Elway; critics and fans let him off the hook saying he was a gamer and that it showed where he wanted to be as a starting quarterback in the N F L. Since he latest temper tantrum I do not see how you could cheer for the guy when he has demonstrated himself as a floppy haired arrogant crybaby. He is not the first, but the guys who are like him are on the streets as actors. You can say what you want about Terrel Owens, but he wins whereever he goes. Jay Cutler has not won in Denver under a stable owner who is liked throughout the entire league. He has seen the demise of one "genius" (and might I say, probably still over tanned, but well-rested) coach and has met his match in a younger coach who follows a strict no "I" in "Team" policy. Oh yeah, this coach studied under a Super Bowl winner and a football genius who didn't ascribe the title to himself in Bill Belichick. When is comes down to it, Jay Cutler has revealed himself to be a Queen Bitch, but not in a Bowie way, trying to whine himself to a better situation. Something most of us learned early would not get you far.
Even if your not a Denver fan or a sports fan in general would you answer this "Want Ad?"
"Team Leading Quarterback with huge sense of entitlement, hot head available now for a competitive price. Generally puts self above others and matches his deluded sense of grandeur with a bitchy temperament."
It seems like Cutler is part of the problem not part of the solution. Pray that he doesn't come to your town and Broncos fans pray that he receives his comeuppance.
In what typifies the Jay Cutler experience you must watch this superb South Park Episode from two years ago. Fast Forward to 5:50 - 6:10 for the goodness, but the entire oeuvre is great.
~all stats gleaned through espn.com who probably paid someone else to get them~
*I would like to clarify that I do not mean "bitch" in a stereotypical rapper, misogynistic way. I mean it in the literal whiny female dog that alienates those around it with it's insufferable behavior kind of way. And if you're a son of a bitch? Whoa. I would never offend Mrs. Cutler in that way.
Also, some may point out that I did not reference his Diabetes or the show that was made out of his diagnosis, etc. There are plenty of people with jobs as equally as demanding physically as Cutler who get by everyday with less money. It does not denigrate his bitch status.
Finally, Lance Armstrong is the most boring human being ever. Please go away and take your bike with you.
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Who Watches The Watchmen?
Last week the world was in awe when it was revealed that the current Pope (Benedict XVI) predicted the world's current (shitty) financial turmoil in 1985. An Italian Finance minister breathlessly called the soon to be pope/ex Nazi supporter's paper a "prophecy." Prophecy is defined as "something that is declared by a prophet, especially a divinely inspired prediction, instruction or exhortation." The great revelation, that you can read here, is as follows "The future pope said a decline in ethics 'can actually cause the laws of the market to collapse.'" If you walk outside and see a man standing in the street without pants then you will know that he read the Pope's prediction. Holy shit. I can't believe I am still typing knowing that in 1985 a future Pope said that ethics violations can cause markets to collapse?!?! The bits of brain are trickling over the keys and I cannot speak to what follows cause my mind has been blown.
5 Other Predictions from The Pope's 1985 Prophecy Paper
-shoddy construction leads faulty buildings
-mexican food leads to diarrhea
-bad parenting leads to bad children
-the right foot leads the left foot follows
-tight rolled jeans will lead to boot cut jeans
5 Omissions from the Pope's 1985 Prophecy Paper
- I will be Pope, no seriously, I will.
-Live Aid will suck as will the 20 anniversary Live Aid in 2005.
-Have you guys played the Nintendo? Cos I have and it's sweet.
-Tommy Hilfiger, while inspired by classic NE fashion, is awfully gaudy.
-Everyone will drive a Ford Taurus.
I don't have a problem with predictions. I make callous, ill informed and usually wrong predictions weekly (thanks football). Numerous talking hot air balloons are already lining up to tell us what will be hot or not and what the big stories will be next year. I do have a problem when a generally accepted commonality is ordained as "divine." The word heresy has been thrown out for lesser transgressions. Where are the checks and balances? Where was the Catholic bishop, cardinal or robin to say "You know what, this really isn't a prophecy or a prediction..." This is a man who represents Catholicism's Dali Lama. He is supposed to be so close to God that we kiss his hands in his presence. Seriously. This is the shit you come up with? Come over to my house. I have a folder on how the world is going to end. Not when, just how. It says more then your piddly paper ever could and it's just photo copies of articles and a picture of an airplane dropping bombs.
The bible says, roughly, that you should not pluck the speck from your brother's eye when you have a plank exuding from your own. This is absolutely true in this instance, but I wouldn't call that piece of divine scripture a prophecy. You see, I let this happen. I read it. I listen to it. I am outraged by it, but I am powerless to stop it. The Pope is placed high on a pedestal by an adoring following who believe he can do no wrong. He is a man. If you want to prophesize something give me specifics! If you can't give me specifics, at least be interesting when you are vague - like Nostradamus. Again, I make bullshit statements like this all of the time, but I lack the following and the outlet the Pope has, so I come off as crazy, paranoid and just annoying. Kanye West has a similar following as The Pope. Kanye would be much more entertaining if he just made good music and didn't try to win asshole of the year all of the time.
You won. We get it.
This past Sunday at the American Music Awards, Kanye proclaimed that music is so great right now because of artists like himself (of course) and others were pushing the limits of great music and when people talk about where the next Led Zepplin is or where the next Elvis is "they right here!" he said with much authority on the subject. He then goes on to compare coldplay, Chris Brown and Alicia Keys to some of the greatest musical artists ever and then says he wants to be Elvis. He then stares at the crowd as if saying "Oh shit! Can you believe I just dropped that science on your head....tonight....at the...um....where am I?......AMA's....word!" Are all of those people he mentioned talented? Yes. Are they in any of the same categories as who he compared them to? No. Of course not. Depending upon your view of time, what Mr. West spoke about is in the past. The world doesn't need another Elvis or another Led Zepplin. They need something new and better. They sure as hell don't need Colplay ruining a perfectly good evening. I tend to agree with Public Enemy "Elvis was a hero to most, but he never meant shit to me." These predictions and pronouncements, the prophecies and promises should produce more then head bobbing and passive agreement. They should leave my mind dripping on the keyboard and they should move me to action. Or at least an action other then sending Chris Martin hate mail. These minor voices using major platforms will disappear. Kanye will fall off as all rappers eventually do. This Pope will be succeeded by another one. But my mind is trying to combat their haze of bologna that will continue to build, corrupt and dupe others out there who believe the truth is as simple as opening your mouth. It is, but you have to know what to say.
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
The Final Countdown to the Collison Between Us and the Damned
selected Quotes from George Orwell's 1984
"Nearly all children nowadays were horrible. What was worst of all was that by means of such organizations as the Spies they were systematically turned into ungovernable little savages, and yet this produced in them no tendency whatever to rebel against the discipline of the Party. On the contrary, they adored the Party and everything connected with it… All their ferocity was turned outwards, against the enemies of the State, against foreigners, traitors, saboteurs, thought-criminals. It was almost normal for people over thirty to be frightened of their own children."
"The very word 'war', therefore, has become misleading. It would probably be accurate to say that by becoming continuous war has ceased to exist. ... War is Peace."
"Until they become conscious they will never rebel, and until after they have rebelled they cannot become conscious."
"Nearly all children nowadays were horrible. What was worst of all was that by means of such organizations as the Spies they were systematically turned into ungovernable little savages, and yet this produced in them no tendency whatever to rebel against the discipline of the Party. On the contrary, they adored the Party and everything connected with it… All their ferocity was turned outwards, against the enemies of the State, against foreigners, traitors, saboteurs, thought-criminals. It was almost normal for people over thirty to be frightened of their own children."
"The very word 'war', therefore, has become misleading. It would probably be accurate to say that by becoming continuous war has ceased to exist. ... War is Peace."
"Until they become conscious they will never rebel, and until after they have rebelled they cannot become conscious."
Friday, October 3, 2008
Welcome to the Apocolypse or greetings from the new company couch.
His arm crossed my chest. The words still spewing from my mouth flecked with spittle and vinegar. My high school basketball team, less than thirty minutes before, had lost a hard fought basketball game to some punks from Life Christian Bethany Bros Lutheran School. This adolescent troglodyte had been trash talking the whole game and had the gall to trash talk on his way out the gym AFTER the game was over. Our Gym. The Wolverine Den. I was going to tear him from stem to sternum. That's when Jim Cole intervened. Surely saving me from an ass kicking that would have plunged me deeper into my budding angst; Mr. Cole soothed the savage (see also, big talking) beast The last phrase that came from my lips were "I hate him." Jim responded with "Hey, that's a four letter word." Dumbfounded, I began thinking of all the other four letter words that surely would have set fire to the pseudo chapel that was the gym at my christian school. Yet, Hate was the strongest and hate is what I kept coming back to.
The power that comes from words has greatly diminished since the inception of our language. When did it become acceptable to love everything from ice cream to shoes? Some ears may burn at "curse" words, but I grew accustom to the most vile thing you can imagine crossing the lips of a 8 year old. Hate conjures up despicable acts through the ages, but my hate is sterile yet justified and some what common among my demographic.
What I hate today...."Working but not working"
I have made a career out of working but not working, but in my current situation karma has reared its ugly head. I got laid off by my company almost two weeks ago. It was shocking, but not a complete surprise. It is a small family run business and it is boring and an exercise in patience to work for them. Last week was supposed to be my first week of "not working." I was looking forward to napping, staying up to watch The Daily Show, taking walks and enjoying a bit of living while the birds worked. But NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, since my company said I can collect commission on anything I sell I was working to close a deal to make some scratch so I can pay my rent this month. Also I remembered I live in Oregon and it's fall and the weather kind of sucks. So I spent my first week of unemployment working but not getting paid. Yet another cruel joke by on me by the universe. Ha. Ha. Ha.
The power that comes from words has greatly diminished since the inception of our language. When did it become acceptable to love everything from ice cream to shoes? Some ears may burn at "curse" words, but I grew accustom to the most vile thing you can imagine crossing the lips of a 8 year old. Hate conjures up despicable acts through the ages, but my hate is sterile yet justified and some what common among my demographic.
What I hate today...."Working but not working"
I have made a career out of working but not working, but in my current situation karma has reared its ugly head. I got laid off by my company almost two weeks ago. It was shocking, but not a complete surprise. It is a small family run business and it is boring and an exercise in patience to work for them. Last week was supposed to be my first week of "not working." I was looking forward to napping, staying up to watch The Daily Show, taking walks and enjoying a bit of living while the birds worked. But NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, since my company said I can collect commission on anything I sell I was working to close a deal to make some scratch so I can pay my rent this month. Also I remembered I live in Oregon and it's fall and the weather kind of sucks. So I spent my first week of unemployment working but not getting paid. Yet another cruel joke by on me by the universe. Ha. Ha. Ha.
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